Simply Elegant

I found a basic every day chemical equation that is the basis for life here on planet Earth. It is simple, it is profound, it is elegant.

It is so elegant I conciser it to be a signature of divine craftmanship.

H2O + CO2 = (with the help of sunlight and enzymes) O2 + CH2O

What does that mean?

It means that water and carbon dioxide in a plant turns into oxygen and carbohydrates.

Water is an amazing molecule in and of it's self and the fact that it is used in conjunction with  Carbon Dioxide (our waste products from breathing) to create oxygen- that we need to breathe with carbohydrates, the basis of all food stuffs and fibers for clothing and building, (you can argue that protein is the basis for all animal fibers and food, but chances are those animals ate plants to grow it) is nothing short of beautiful.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How am I going to ever get to med school if I keep having babies?

I'll let you in on a little secret. I plan to live a long time, but I don't think I can keep having babies after menopause. Therefore education can pause around the wonders of a newborn...

And from my perspective having babies now will make my in class education easier then having babies later. Now I can pause and work around the baby - later I would have a much harder time doing that and would probably have to day care a baby rather then be there for her myself.

And for Mike and I the question was never if we'd have more- it was always when it would happen. We've learned enough to know that that we know nothing about our life , plans, and timing and will therefore leave it to the Lord.


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"Either I'm pregnant or I'll eat my hat. Come to think of it I'm so hungry I might just eat my hat."

Yeah, I said that to myself today. But I was at least right- and my hat can safely return to my head. After all it would be ashamed to eat such a beautiful and fuzzy hat as that. So instead I had a subway at 3:30.

That was after eating 2 large while grain organic cookies.

And on Monday when Shan was being put to sleep by the anastegeologist, he told me that he was giving her an anti nausea mess too. So I almost asked if I could have some too.

I've suspected since the 18th.... But didn't get a positive test until today.

That tells me this baby is probably a girl ( girls make me sick) and also probably due a week later then a doctor would tell me. Aug 4th is the date I'm looking at as a real estimate. At least it's not Sept 12th or after another 6 weeks of summer.

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Following My Heart

I had an interesting experience yesterday. A lady in my chem class was talking about how she used to want to be a labor and delivery nurse, but now she does not because she had her tubes tied after 2 kids and now when ever she sees a baby it makes her so sad.

It was very interesting to see the intense sadness in her eyes. She insisted that having her tubes tied was the right/logical thing to do, but then said her heart is sad.

Her intense and tender feelings on the subject made me thankful for a lesson from from Grandfather

"My intuition has never failed me, rather it is I who have failed my intuition."

and also a lesson from one of my favorite stake presidents

"Follow love. When your eyes can't see love knows."

I understand the challenge of logic verses love on the subject of having more children. Logic easily dictated 2 was enough. Luckily I knew better in my heart then that. So at the time we had two toddlers we decided that "2 was enough for now." and at 23/24 I had enough time to wait a few years for more until we were in a better position to have more.

Fortunately, the baby had already been conceived by then, although we didn't know it yet. And amazingly 90 % of our logical reasons to postpone child bearing evaporated before he was ever born. (Those logical reasons that evaporated refer to getting jobs and a good house, ect).

The next kid we tried the same thing. We decided we could wait for more, but the baby was conceived already. The difference this time was that we lost the baby at 20 weeks and my world ended. I learned that not having my baby was way worse then not having anything we had hoped to gain first- like college educations. We also learned that we were stupid to try to control our reproductive timing.

As you can imagine the pregnancy after the miscarriage we rejoiced and even to the 5th and 6th child. Then my siblings got "snipped" and ended their child bearing years one with 4 and another with 6.  I don't blame them, it is the logical thing to do, but it is a decision I could not make ourselves.

As nice it would be to be "done" with child bearing. It would still make me ridiculously sad, because I feel there are more that are to come to me in time. And to cutoff that possibility would be like cutting out my heart.

I am now nearing 35. A lot of woman today don't even start their child bearing until 35, and here I am looking at it wondering slightly if that is getting old to have babies. But then I look at Rebecca, and think I am not too old, and I look my my grandparents. One had child #7 at 40 and #8 at 44. And another had one at 50. 

I look at my education and career plans, and then I just trust that the Lord has all things under his hands and when it is the right time to have more, we will have more. 

I keep telling people who ask about if we will have more that I make no promised about more children. I have come to realize this last month that that is a lie. I do make promises about more children, just not to mortals or pertaining only in mortality. In fact, my heart feels it because I am sure I have made quiet a few promises about it before I came to earth. And I will do my best to honor those promises. 

I often end up subbing in our church nursery. There are only a few kids and lots of toys, so it can serve as a time to think and ponder.

I often end up subbing in our church nursery. There are only a few kids and lots of toys, so it can serve as a time to think and ponder.
Today I am pondering on my babies growing up and their challenges in this life.

My oldest is almost 14. He is 6'3" and 209 pounds. He wears an Xl/ Xxl tall. And this month is is finally ready to get the priesthood and serve the Lord in that capacity.

He was determined to come to earth when he did. He had a mission to fulfill and debarked upon it without hesitation. I had waited for him to join me on earth and he came as soon as he could- 10 months after we were married.

3 years Later he was diagnosed with autism, but I knew better then to trust the experts on what I could expect from him. He amazes me. And he will continue to amaze me as he matures spiritually and emotionally. Sometimes I wonder if he was one if those spirits who threw Satan out of Heaven, or if not then what role did he play to warrant such a special combo of smarts, Braun and sweetness here on earth?

My next angel often seems like he is here to help my oldest through this earth life. He is aware of every social cue my other isn't and often wishes, as I did at his age that his life was more "perfectly normal".
He has a lot to learn yet. But he is a hard worker and loves God. He is a faithful servant and just turned 12 and is also about to receive the priesthood. If fact, it is willingness and desire that made Galen finally decide he was ready.
I am so grateful for the young men's program in the church for this kid. There will be so many opportunity to learn and to serve that he will need to shape him into the man he is to become.

My next angel was also given a special challenge in life- a real minor spinal biffida.... Just enough to keep him humble. He is a smart one- taught himself to read at 4. No academics has ever challenged him. I look forward to introducing him to many awesome things to learn.

My fourth boy came while a was awaiting my girl. I was miffed until I held him for the first time after birth. Then something deep inside me said out loud to this new baby "I have waited a long time for you."
He was a perfect baby and awesome toddler, I had no clue what I was waiting for. But now his amazing sweetness is marred with tantrum seizers and his body with food allergies. I know his spirit and I know when he is not acting in accordance with it. Most of the time it is a result of a seizer and they can affect him for days at a time. During these times he is incapable of remembering almost anything, especially anything he is trying to learn. We are trying to get him diagnosed medically. So far all we got is a psychological ODD.

This kid is so full of faith and goodness, most of the time I figure he must have signed up for a master's course when he came to earth.

My next is the little girl I waited and waited for. Sometimes when she is acting like a spoiled princess I tell her that us not who she is and that I know who she was before she came to earth and I expect her to live up to it.
And I do. She appeared to us many times and interacted. She is an angle of mercy made flesh.

My last little one was unexpected- I expected my other girl but got another boy instead. But he is such a joy in our lives. Smart, big, happy and very curious. How I am grateful for his presence in my life every day.





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We officially took Galen off of special Ed this year. Which is logical, considering he wasn't using it, but scary knowing how far he had yet to go.

It is hard to know how much of his schoolwork he does on his own. Jenny is always there with him. On the standard tests he scores a year or do behind. But tests have never been an accurate measure of his understanding.

I want him/ need him to gain independence in his school work. At home he is s hard worker when he is given clear directions. Without clear directions he becomes a sweatshirted lump. So with schoolwork he needs to learn how to tease out the clear directions from the other information.(ain't that the truth in life?)

Now I need to figure out how to clearly convey these ideas to Jenny so she can help move it forward.

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The Neat and Comely Balance Line

I am trying to care enough about how I present myself to look "neat and comely" while not being lifted up to pride of costly apparel.

My high point of caring how I looked was my high school/college years. Back then I had a new wardrobe of nice clothes so I dressed accordingly. What is interesting is that it was in those years that I found out, I didn't like who I was when I wore makeup. I was always acting, or pretending to be someone else when I wore makeup. And soon I realized that whenever I wore makeup on the date- that I was turned off by the guy, that it must be because I had to be someone else to get along with him- or I was just pretended to like him to "be nice" on the date.

It was also then that I was studying costuming for theater. I would spend hours picking out and trying on clothes every Sunday to dress how I wanted to present myself. I realized what I was doing when I was asked to play the part of Mary in the Christmas program. I wanted to look the part while still wearing regular Sunday dress clothes. After many outfits tried on, I settled on mid calf,  black skirt and a cream long sleeve, blouse that was very modest and had several layers of feminine touches like lace and ribbons down the front. I also worked on the right hair style for this. This costuming experience helped me realize just how little changes in our dress details can make on the impression we are giving others.

Fast Forward 15 years.... to one of my son's baptisms. The bishop was talking to Ewan about how this is special event and you can tell because of how special, and here he faltered in his speech because he wanted to say "you mom dressed" for this but then he looked over at me and changed his mind and said "your baby sister." And I remembered getting dressed that morning and not having much left in my wardrobe that was neat or comely anymore, so I ended up in a homemade plaid skirt and a white T shirt. Kinda sloppy, but after 10 years of baby fat and baby hand prints on my clothes that was about the best I could do.

However, that event did make me realize that maybe I could care a little bit more. Over the next several years I have carefully added long lasting pieces to my wardrobe that I can feel "neat and comely" in. I tried to buy good quality clothes with basic styles that will serve to show I care enough to honor the Lord through my dress, but I also tried to not look flashy or costume like, but modest in all things.

It is a very interesting line to balance on. How to be neat and comely while not be lifted up in pride of fancy apparel. At what point does it become "because I want others to see me look nice" rather than being "neat and comely to honor the Lord"? I know the Lord cares about our hearts and our service more then about how we look. And when he does care about how we look, then what is the ideal look that would be striving for?

Now, I used to love costumes and princess dresses and ribbons and bows and glitter and all sorts of decorations and apparel. But that has given way to the logic of basic clothing for mothering chores. The idea of wearing anything that slows down my ability to take care of the kids and house just is appallingly unpractical. And when I watch and look at when I feel the best about myself and who I am becoming it seems to be at the time times when I am covered in paint or just finished washing the diapers out or when I am covered in flour. It almost never has to do with looking nice.

Of course, we also are not a mirrored family. We own 2 mirrors in the whole house, neither of which show more then the upper half of you. As I have been becoming aware of trying to be neat and comely, sometimes I wonder if it would help to see what I look like before I step out of the house. Other times I think that would be nothing more then an exercise in frustration or conversely pride.

I have to admit, I have a pretty face and a nice body (or at least I used to), and it is easy to think of my looks as better then others and in this world where TV advertisements and movies put a high value on looks it is hard not to have pride on the fact that at least you are skinnier then your sister or your face has less zits then your friend. (yeah, I used to think those things). The challenge here seems to lie in not judging others but judging yourself.

And yet you know what is in your heart- so you can judge your heart, but others have to judge on what they can see of you. And the vast majority of people only see how you look. And they won't look long enough to see your actions or hear your words. So what good can you do by how you look?

Now that is a good question. "What good can you do by how you look?"

A real woman

A real woman is seen in the kindness of her eyes. There is also hope and joy. I love this picture. It shows so many aspects that I think a real woman is. The wrinkles from years of smiles and toils. calloused hands from years of laboring for others. I want to one day have my face tell the same story of me.

Hopes of Arwen

Fears of pregnancy- gone.
Hopes of a baby- dashed.
Red Tsunami

I breathe a sigh of relief
and then I wonder when
The last baby will come.

Serving at a Funeral

Today I served at my first funeral.

I have attended a nice handful of funerals, but today I was a church woman in the kitchen preparing food and serving those in morning.

It felt like a new phase of my life.

A phase I have long watched others in, but have never been in myself.

Besides the layout of food and tables and what not, I focused on keeping the water picture full on the tables while the friends, relatives, wife, children and grandchildren all talked about their dearly departed.

I focused on the water, because I know how it is to wish there was more water to drink and how thirsty people get at life stage events.

But it also reminded me of Christ saying he is the living water and those that drink shall thirst no more. And that is why there were relatively few tears. For we know that in Christ the sting of death is swallowed up and the grave has no victory.

Feeling like a Woman

Sometimes I wonder about the concept of "feeling like a woman," and how that has been changed or even constructed by our mass media advertising.

Personally, I feel most like a woman when I am doing things that woman have done for generations- hanging laundry, pulling weeds, snuggling babies, serving others in thier basic needs of food and clothing and a listening ear.

However, our modern adverting would have you believe that feeling like a woman is a product of make- up and designer bras, or it is when your hair and nails are done.

I am plain by nature, would probably fit into the Amish communities quiet nicely, except for love of pink. I find that worrying how I look to be a rather shallow and short sighted pursuit (short sighted because in 2 minutes a kid is going to barf on me, or leak a diaper on me, or wipe his bloody nose on my shoulder), but I don't see how what we are wearing for perfume or how long we spent looking in the mirror in the morning, has anything to do with being a woman.

A woman's work is service. We get our best kicks out of serving others. And quite often it is tedium service, the day in, day out of changing diapers, hanging laundry and making dinner. It is cleaning the house yet one more time, bandaging yet one more boo-boo.

I feel like a woman when I can remain calm in the storm, when I can look beyond the tedium tasks of the day with my skirt blowing in the breeze, the sweat dribbling down my face and the garden freshly weeded, even when there is still dinner to cook.

What I am expecting, now that I am no longer expecting

I am inclined to believe that spirits are attached to their bodies at the moment of conception. Of course, not all pregnancies work out. The ones that miscarry may be a result of the spirit is not ready to come at this time- or the body wasn't right for them, or even that they just needed a beginning of a body to do what they need to do at that time.

I am fortunate enough to have 1 spirit that didn't take her first body, but she hung around us for 5 years before I was able to bring her forth in a body- and now she won't let me out of her sight.

It is much easier to experience another miscarriage, holding this little spirit that I had waited so long for. I don't have to cry about loosing a baby, I just have to be patient.

In fact, in many ways, I was prepared for a miscarriage this time. About a month ago I woke up one morning, faced myself in the mirror, and with my hands on my hips in a peter-pan type (ready for another adventure) look announced to myself that "It was time for a miscarriage." Then I wondered why in the world would I ever say that, or want that?

The only answer that I have come up with is that it must be for the experience. At least the early ( 6 week) miscarriage is much easier to take then a mid-term miscarriage. We also choose not to tell people about the pregnancy yet. It also makes it easier because then you do not have to tell them that you are no longer pregnant either.

"Now is not the time for this pregnancy." I was told. I am ok with that, and when I am not feeling ok with that, I will make myself feel ok with that.

But since I am writing I am going to dissect that sentence. "Now" is the easy part; based on my past experience, it could mean anywhere from 6 months to 5 years or even this mortal life, but it will happen, and I will finish clothing this spirit in a mortal body before we are through, and then he will be "all mine" as I whisper to my other children as I cuddle and kiss them. "This" is the harder one; "this" denotes a separation for others. So that leaves questions of what others at what times.

 I like those questions because they have anticipation to them, the joy of finding the answers.

10 things I know

10 things I know
1. I am a child of God.
2. Jesus lives.
3. The book of Mormon is an amazing book. The doctrine is so clear and undeniable and logical and yet compassionate .
4. My family is forever.
5. I can live with my Heavenly Father again
6. I can become like him.
7. I have a destiny/ mission in life.
8. Heavenly Father and Jesus loves me.
9. Joseph smith restored Jesus's church.
10. We have a living prophet today.

Mothering is Loving and Leading

Principals for a non-political party

Another Dream Fragment

We were standing, looking at some picture on our wall, and a family picture taken last summer at the lake was pointed to and we said "yeah, I remember that one. That happened soon before everything changed."

Tantalizing Dreams

All my life I have had dreams of the future- short segments that played out exactly as dreamed.

The first time I noticed them I was in 9th grade. It felt like normal DeJa Vu- but I remembered they were dreams- just snippets of everyday life. At first they freaked me out a little. The teacher that I confided these into just said that it was what I did everyday, so naturally I would dream it happening, but I knew he was wrong and that wasn't what was happening. They were very specific things happening at very specific times.

Soon I had to see if I could change what happened in the dream- and I could. I had the power to make changes when they played out in real life. And then they occurred off and on for years, often just giving me a bare hint at what was going to transpire in the near future.

In March of 2008 I dreamed that the world would suffer a financial collapse in 6 months, but strangely very little of daily life would change. I didn't even remember that when September rolled around, until in October I was reviewing my blog posting and found that written there.

Most of the time the circumstances of the dream make no sense until I have lived them. Some of them puzzle my mind waiting until the time they play out and others are largely forgotten about until it plays out and I remembered I dreamed it and then wondered about it.

One of these was when I pregnant with my 4th baby. I dreamed that I was in a hospital and they were doing to take the baby out of me surgically, but the baby was not ready- months early. In my dream I was screaming at them that they couldn't do this to me, but they were very patient and calm with me. That dream scared me. I was so adamant that no one was going to take my baby early. Then I lost the baby at 20 weeks and had to have a D&E. And it all played out the same, except I wasn't screaming at them and understood what was going on.

And few years ago, I had a snippet of a dream I know is going to take place in the future. I was riding my bike (as a primary form of transportation) and during daylight hours (or it could have been a really bright night hours) there were incredible Northern lights over the whole sky- and the northern lights were an on- going thing, and there were orbs in the sky- like planets looming close to the earth- but not scarcely so. The sky was so amazingly vivid and bright I tried for years to get a good picture of it out of my head, but my artist skills are decidedly lacking. And I paused on my bicycle for second- and that is all of my dream that I remember.

It is tantalizing to ponder when and how that dream will fulfill its self.

I wanted to go to church today

I wanted to go to church today,
but I slept in.
I wanted to stand up and bear my testimony,
but my ears did not hear the alarm.
I wanted to publicly proclaim my gratefulness for thy plan,
but my kids take and hour and a half to get in the car.
I wanted to serve somewhere and build up thy kingdom,
but my baby has negated me getting a calling.

But I did teach my kids about prayer today,
and I did visit my sisters,
and I did serve my family,
and I am raising up a posterity unto thee.