Friday, July 06, 2012

What I am expecting, now that I am no longer expecting

I am inclined to believe that spirits are attached to their bodies at the moment of conception. Of course, not all pregnancies work out. The ones that miscarry may be a result of the spirit is not ready to come at this time- or the body wasn't right for them, or even that they just needed a beginning of a body to do what they need to do at that time.

I am fortunate enough to have 1 spirit that didn't take her first body, but she hung around us for 5 years before I was able to bring her forth in a body- and now she won't let me out of her sight.

It is much easier to experience another miscarriage, holding this little spirit that I had waited so long for. I don't have to cry about loosing a baby, I just have to be patient.

In fact, in many ways, I was prepared for a miscarriage this time. About a month ago I woke up one morning, faced myself in the mirror, and with my hands on my hips in a peter-pan type (ready for another adventure) look announced to myself that "It was time for a miscarriage." Then I wondered why in the world would I ever say that, or want that?

The only answer that I have come up with is that it must be for the experience. At least the early ( 6 week) miscarriage is much easier to take then a mid-term miscarriage. We also choose not to tell people about the pregnancy yet. It also makes it easier because then you do not have to tell them that you are no longer pregnant either.

"Now is not the time for this pregnancy." I was told. I am ok with that, and when I am not feeling ok with that, I will make myself feel ok with that.

But since I am writing I am going to dissect that sentence. "Now" is the easy part; based on my past experience, it could mean anywhere from 6 months to 5 years or even this mortal life, but it will happen, and I will finish clothing this spirit in a mortal body before we are through, and then he will be "all mine" as I whisper to my other children as I cuddle and kiss them. "This" is the harder one; "this" denotes a separation for others. So that leaves questions of what others at what times.

 I like those questions because they have anticipation to them, the joy of finding the answers.

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