My Grandmother once remarked something about if you ask why? on something that you were likely to find out.

Well, I have come to an understanding of certain things in these last several months that I never before could fathom how anybody could do that.

I used to be completely at a loss to understand the news stories where mothers could kill their (usually all of them at one time) children. It leads from depression, despair and hopelessness. I have seen those roads opened in my life and have throughly refused to go down them.

The experience has created great empathy within me. And I have often sat pondering how does a society protect mothers from this? Our society is not set up to honor motherhood anymore. In many ways the media ridicules us on every side. And then we feed upon it's influences allowing shows like Martha Steward and houses seen in Country Living to make us think that our little hole in the weather, with children's scribbles on the wall, dirty diapers stinking up the garbage, and mismatched dishes, is not worth maintaining or investing in.

Yet if we hearken to the one or two voices out there proclaiming the value of what we do in our little, humble, well used, homes then we at least know that what is required of us as parents (in the Lord's eyes) is that we nurture and care for and teach our children.

He doesn't require of us to be rich, hold a prestigious job, own a boat or RV, keep a well decorated house. Those things are distractions from our real work, and our real hope and glory.
When we keep our minds focused on the things of eternal importance, despair and hopelessness flee. Indeed, they cannot stand against the hope of eternal life and the joy in building His kingdom on earth.

Hi,
I am not trying to be silent, I am just too exhausted to think any more.

2 pink lines

list

When I listen to conference I take notes (and do some doodling) but in my notes are certain items I star, these are items that are then put upon my "to do" list. This conference my list seems quite long.

I am to do the following:
1. Seek for personal revelations.
2. Buy 12 Book of Mormons and give out during the next year.
3. Give one to a business friend for Christmas
4. Give one to a friend from work.
5. Get CS Lewis's the Screw Tape Letters and read it.
6. Teach my boys to honor and reverence Sacrament meeting.
7. Be a Mother who Knows.
8. Express love to spouse, children, parents and siblings daily.
9. Write a few lines daily in journal to answer this question "Have I seen the hand of the Lord in my or my children's lives today?"
10. Search the scriptures with pen in hand.
11. Get another copy of "Preach my Gospel" and study it and use it for FHE.

this has been running through my head

I was showing my children some pictures of the lunar eclipse- as we couldn't see it here do to a very cloudy sky, and was telling them that the moon turning as blood was a sign that Jesus was coming.

Galen said "Jesus? as in Jesus Christ?"
"yes" I answered. Then he started to dance around singing "Jesus is coming" just as excited as he is when he finds out his cousins are coming.

"When is he coming?" he asked.

The Straw

Quite often we feel like camels, whose burden seems too much to bear. We complain of the weight and want it lifted off. Some of us lay down when it feels heavy and refuse to move another step. Other camels trust that the weight will not hurt them. It may be hard, but it is good practice for carrying other loads in the future.

However, if you keep with it, after a while you will bear that burden with ease. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back is not added when your back is week, but after it is stronger. And then more weight is added, which in turn makes us stronger- to which a point will eventually come in which we can bear all things, and our back was never broken.

However, for the camel that felt the weight and laid down in despair or refusal, his back was indeed broken by the heavier load, because he never allowed himself to be strengthened to bear it.

D & C 78:18 Ye cannot bear all thing now. (notice the now part) and know that The Lord said "I will lead you along."

Hi....long time, no see. Where have you been?

You wouldn't want to believe me if I told you. I have been...away. In my place has been a confused, ornery, dis harmonious....
It all started a week and a half ago, when my normal, calm, collected, patient, self was sent on vacation in a whirlwind of emotion spurred by one uttered phrase. "Not interested."

That was the answer I got when I asked for help from my husband, on what I assumed to be a family project. It brought back all the frustration I have had in the last 10 years trying to get him interested enough in anything other then video games and movies to do anything. (most days, anything at all).

It has been lonely, frustrating work trying to sort out the pile of rubbish I have collected in the last 10 years. But, fortunately I am into recycling and will see what can be made out of it.

sometimes it just hurts

Sometimes you just hurt. And when it finally comes to a head and you realize why you hurt it hurts even more.

So I am going to echo a few lyrics I found printed on another's blog today.

Performer: SONiA
Album:No Bomb is Smart
Song: "Won't Let Go"

don't let go
just hold on
keep your eye on the road
and your heart in a song
whatever happened is already gone
don't let go



Performer: Bill Staines
Album: First Million Miles
Song: 'Phoenix'

Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.
Take it from the ashes
and teach it how to fly again.
Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.

Ever waiting to fly again.....

Always a tree hugger

I have always been a tree hugger. I feel that trees literally connect the earth to the heavens. And by hugging the trees I feel as if I can join into that flow.

I live in the forest. I feel most alive, most at peace when I am in the forest. In many ways it is often the only time I have to quietly think and ponder and listen. I feel it is no accident that Joseph Smith kneeled in a grove of trees. Deep in the forest you are least likely to be interrupted, and most likely to hear, listen, ask and pray.

Christmas last year was really hard on me. My children snuck in and opened all their presents about a month early. The ornaments were all stomped and we had to skip Christmas dinner due the autistic issues we were facing that day. Physiologically, I was fried, I desperately needed to get out and find myself a Christmas. At noon I left the house at a dead run. I ran through the yard, I ran through the field and then into the forest. At this point I did not know the paths or the trees or even where I was going.

finally, when all was left far behind. I stopped and cried my frustrations out on a downed tree. I cried unto the Lord and begged for help. I looked up and there, about 15 feet in front of me were 2 pine trees that were shimmering, glowing. The weather had frosted the forest and sun was at just the right angle to make these trees shine. The Lord had provided me a Christmas tree.

All winter I walked in the forest every day. I learned the trees, I learned the trails, I learned the sounds, the footprints, the droppings, the tracks. I learned that I was heard, I learned that I could sing, I learned that I was not only one with nature in the forest, but could be one with the creator.

The forest is my home. The trees are my friends. I call them by name. And I am called by name and talked to while I am there. The forest is my communion place.

It calls to me. I try to answer. Will I get on my boots, my shoes, my coat, or my sunhat and step in through the grass to reach into heaven?

Autism

Autism is interesting to me. I have an 8 year old with it. It has been something I have continuously researched since he was diagnosed at 3 year old. After these 5 years of research and life I have finally drawn some conclusions.

1. Autism is real. It is a true physical issue inside the body.
2. Autism waxes and wanes and has good days and bad days.
3. My autistic child has such a sweet, kind and good spirit that he needs the challenges of an autistic body to grow in ways he needs to during his earth life. Maybe others do too.
4. Chemicals in the environment, house, food and during the developmental periods make a big impact on their tender and sensitive bodies.
5. With the lack of medical knowledge and the permanent damage to the nervous system the child has to rely on Heavenly Father for comfort and to calm their bodies.
6. The nerves in the child during autistic episodes (and less so at other times) are misfiring. Some are signals come through too strongly and others do not come through at all.

On thinking on number 6- maybe the world is becoming that way. Our news media makes a big deal of Paris Hilton and other celebrities going about daily business (or royally messing up) but yet the news we need to hear, like the whispering of the spirit or consul of our brethren is often drowned out in the commotion.

new voice mail message

You have reached my voice mail. I am out of my mind until further notice. Please don't waste your time by leaving a message. If you really need my attention, you are as crazy as I am.

loss

Another month with no baby on the horizon. But that is ok. I have enough going on and a cute little blue eyed girl to hold whenever family get-to-gathers happen.

We were trying to restructure my business because it was growing too fast for me to run and still have a family. But then the management of incubator business (the one helping mine) decided to hijack our business and in effect ended up that our business was hijacking their management team. It wasn't a good solution for either side. And the effect upon me was like that of losing my baby.

I need to find something else to do and quick before grief and loss overwhelm me. Does anybody know a good series of fantasy books that I haven't already read?

I just can't seem to sit still

Now that I have some of my heaviest weight lifted off of me (the people management of the business) I have started delving back into another love.....midwifery
The good schools take 3-4 years plus clinical work
But I don't want to move.

finally ready

I Finally feel ready for a baby. A little one that can sleep on my chest and cuddle close to me.

Ever prayed for pee?

He who is aware of every birdie, surely is aware of nerve problems in my 4 year old. He didn't pee for over 24 hours, and attempts at catheterization was not working. So we had Mikey give him a blessing with the oil and I feel much better about it.

The blessing said that is would only be short term trial (yes, he told that to Joseph Smith when he was in the liberty jail too) and that the right connections would be made allowing him to eliminate effectively. Which was the feeling I had often gotten concerning the surgery, but the doctors refuse to promise you (if the mention the possibility at all).

Ian finally peed.

Faith

Faith is the middle land between fear and a clear view of the future.

God did not give us the spirit of fear. Fear is the opposite of faith. Faith is stepping forward into the unknown believing that God is there to guide you. (and trusting Him to be not only a good guide, the the guide with your ultimate salvation and eternal life in mind)

Even most of the prophets, those who have seen the whole future of the world, did not have all the details of their lives spelled out to them. That would make faith unnecessary, and good luck to all prophesying without faith.

life is your chance to learn

It all feels like a bad dream. It was just supposed to be a simple wheat allergy, now it is tethered spinal cord, sacral agenesis and related stooling and urinary problems.

You just want to ask- how can this be happening to my child?

But we know the answer. Life is your chance to learn, and you don't learn if everything is going too smooth. Then of course you wish to make changes in the course - like cover the challenges of something else- like a basket of kitties. Unfortunately the course is too tailored to what you need- not what you want.

So the big questions is- what are my lessons from this? And how can I best learn them and use them right quick to make this as short and painless as possible?

There are lots of poor among us

This article is interesting.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070225/ts_alt_afp/useconomypoverty_070225003515

It talks about how more people are in deep poverty in the US while cooperate profits are rising.

Quite interesting. On my scale of good vs bad in societies the Ideal society would have no poor, because we would be taking care of them, educating them, getting them jobs and helping when life circumstances prevents them from being self sufficient.

I have a little business and it is working hard to bring about a "Zion Economy." In my own little definition that mean a economy where people are loved and no body is taken advantage of. A business that trains, and pays livable wages and one that values family more then profits. Of course my little business has never seen a profit yet- but I think that will change.

Profit from a business is just money to reinvest in programs to make life better- wether it is growing the biz, it's employees, the local economy and community. To be rich for the sake of money is not my goal. I already have everything I need in money, but to be able to do good with it.

It would be really fun to help the local school system set up a healthy organic lunch program. And while we are at it- our little mascot should grace the cafeteria too. The Eco Sprout Foundation, real food for real schools.