Thursday, November 08, 2012

Following My Heart

I had an interesting experience yesterday. A lady in my chem class was talking about how she used to want to be a labor and delivery nurse, but now she does not because she had her tubes tied after 2 kids and now when ever she sees a baby it makes her so sad.

It was very interesting to see the intense sadness in her eyes. She insisted that having her tubes tied was the right/logical thing to do, but then said her heart is sad.

Her intense and tender feelings on the subject made me thankful for a lesson from from Grandfather

"My intuition has never failed me, rather it is I who have failed my intuition."

and also a lesson from one of my favorite stake presidents

"Follow love. When your eyes can't see love knows."

I understand the challenge of logic verses love on the subject of having more children. Logic easily dictated 2 was enough. Luckily I knew better in my heart then that. So at the time we had two toddlers we decided that "2 was enough for now." and at 23/24 I had enough time to wait a few years for more until we were in a better position to have more.

Fortunately, the baby had already been conceived by then, although we didn't know it yet. And amazingly 90 % of our logical reasons to postpone child bearing evaporated before he was ever born. (Those logical reasons that evaporated refer to getting jobs and a good house, ect).

The next kid we tried the same thing. We decided we could wait for more, but the baby was conceived already. The difference this time was that we lost the baby at 20 weeks and my world ended. I learned that not having my baby was way worse then not having anything we had hoped to gain first- like college educations. We also learned that we were stupid to try to control our reproductive timing.

As you can imagine the pregnancy after the miscarriage we rejoiced and even to the 5th and 6th child. Then my siblings got "snipped" and ended their child bearing years one with 4 and another with 6.  I don't blame them, it is the logical thing to do, but it is a decision I could not make ourselves.

As nice it would be to be "done" with child bearing. It would still make me ridiculously sad, because I feel there are more that are to come to me in time. And to cutoff that possibility would be like cutting out my heart.

I am now nearing 35. A lot of woman today don't even start their child bearing until 35, and here I am looking at it wondering slightly if that is getting old to have babies. But then I look at Rebecca, and think I am not too old, and I look my my grandparents. One had child #7 at 40 and #8 at 44. And another had one at 50. 

I look at my education and career plans, and then I just trust that the Lord has all things under his hands and when it is the right time to have more, we will have more. 

I keep telling people who ask about if we will have more that I make no promised about more children. I have come to realize this last month that that is a lie. I do make promises about more children, just not to mortals or pertaining only in mortality. In fact, my heart feels it because I am sure I have made quiet a few promises about it before I came to earth. And I will do my best to honor those promises. 


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