musings

Now that I am sick with the infamous pneumonia, and have felt it's breath sucking power, hacked my way miserably hour by hour waiting until something would change. I have begun to feel real empathy on those on have ended their lives with diseases such as this.

There was a story that my grandfather died, after drinking away his savings- alone on the streets of pneumonia. And i have wondered did he fight to the end? or did he embrace it welcomingly?- while his body struggled through coughs to gain another breath? Or did his fight for every breath make him drink himself death? Because at least when you are drunk enough you don't feel that pain that rackels through your body as your body spasms and kicks and inhales and coughs in attempt to get enough air to keep functioning. And when you are drunk enough you probably don't care that you have sealed the warrant of your own demise.

I think that probably the pain of having nobody there to care for you would be worse then that of disease it's self, worse then the struggle for breath, worse then knowing that your mortal probation is up.

His alcoholism drove him away from his family and friends- when he was sober we all welcomed him, have great memories of him and great stories of his courage and love, but as a drunk no one was fool enough to hang around too long. And that drove him to be alone- drinking in bars and alleys as he hacked away his last breaths.

Sometimes I wish I would have known the man that was inside- the man he could have been. Maybe I will still get that chance.

When 5 became a small number...

There comes a time every few years that our large group of kids magically feels like such a small group of kids, and I look at them and count them and then go "wow, everyone is here, it feels like we are missing some."

That is the point when I open my heart and mind to another blessing/challenge/responsibility. Children are all three and to not be willing to take another one on would be closing your doors or burning your bridges. I can understand when people make that choice... but I can not. I trust that when it is in the Lord's hands that it will all work out for our ultimate benefit.

I have my own mind and will of what I think I want to do or become in this life, but that view is limited to my 30 plus years here on earth. Do I really want to limit my eternal possibilities by the way I see things now? Shouldn't I trust someone who knows what it will take to make me truly perfect, rather then just good? I mean can someone really know what real birthday cake is without trying mine?

How do I know that I will like his cake better then mine? Because he is the master baker... he created the universe and knew me and assigned me to my mission when the earth was planned. And I can make that cake better by playing the roll he has for me and not the roll I think I want to play. (ie, if I am the leavening, I shouldn't try to be the salt).

“. . . Those, then, who make the sacrifice, will have the testimony that their course is pleasing in the sight of God; and those who have this testimony will have faith to lay hold on eternal life, and will be enabled, through faith, to endure unto the end, and receive the crown that is laid up for them that love the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who do not make the sacrifice cannot enjoy this faith, because men are dependent upon this sacrifice in order to obtain this faith: therefore, they cannot lay hold upon eternal life, because the revelations of God do not guarantee unto them the authority so to do, and without this guarantee faith could not exist” ( Lectures on Faith, 68–70).

What can we sacrifice? We can sacrifice our will. our own wants and dreams in pursuit of those that God has for us. I may think I know what I want to be... but only in offering up this desire unto him and allow him to chart my course can I become who he wants me to me. Maybe it is not a doctor, maybe it is a mom. I can give him my heart, my desire, and know that that he sees something more glorious for me then I see.

Wonderful treasie on Hope

"My own thinking is that “hope” is a cheap emotion unless it causes you to break a sweat - I’m only interested in hope when it inspires us to work. But, of course, that’s the value of hope - not as a balm to our souls, but to the calluses on our palms."

http://sharonastyk.com/2009/09/17/in-the-space-of-the-days-of-awe/

Those who fight death the most are often those who have no faith/knowledge in what is coming next.

My dear sweet aunt is losing her battle with cancer, yet no one will admit it. It is a game of silence they are playing. Maybe if we don't speak of it, it won't happen. Maybe if we don't plan for it or even acknowledge it out loud it will not happen. And yet it has been obvious and heart wrenching to those that are watching. Everyone knows inside them that it is time to move on.

I can not blame them for not wanting to give her up. She is an awe inspiring person. But I do wish they would accept the will of the Lord and plan accordingly.

2 Ne. 9: 6, 10-12, 19
6 For as death hath passed upon all men, to fulfil the merciful plan of the great Creator, there must needs be a power of resurrection, and the resurrection must needs come unto man by reason of the fall; and the fall came by reason of transgression; and because man became fallen they were cut off from the presence of the Lord.
• • •
10 O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.
11 And because of the way of deliverance of our God, the Holy One of Israel, this death, of which I have spoken, which is the temporal, shall deliver up its dead; which death is the grave.
12 And this death of which I have spoken, which is the spiritual death, shall deliver up its dead; which spiritual death is hell; wherefore, death and hell must deliver up their dead, and hell must deliver up its captive spirits, and the grave must deliver up its captive bodies, and the bodies and the spirits of men will be restored one to the other; and it is by the power of the resurrection of the Holy One of Israel.

Alma 40: 11-14
11 Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

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Mosiah 16: 7-9
7 And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or have broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection.
8 But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
9 He is the alight and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.

36 Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full.



I wanted to paste these in her guestbook- but that would violate those unwritten laws. So what could I say, if not the comforts in my heart? I shared a memory or two.

cutting off my right hand

I am Preparing to cut off my internet service. In many ways the internet is my eyes, ears and mouth to the larger world. We get our news, family communications and all sorts of banking stuff on line. That won't stop. It will just be slower. I will still have my I- phone, and be able to access the internet and print things at my parent's house.

Doing so will force me away from the computer. I will most likely have a cleaner house and be buying less stuff to put in it. I will also have a much harder time communication with customers and selling items on my website or ebay. I also will not have instant information on all things at my fingertips at all times. That will be hard to adjust to.

Disscussion on birth

Birth is a mountain of personal achievement. It is a mountain that once you get to the top you realize you just climbed the first foot hill to the real mountain of parenthood.

Does it matter how you climb that foot hill? It can have an impact on the health of your body, your child (autism has been possible linked to some western medical birthing procedures)... not as much as the fact that you wanted to and that you landed there to continue the climb up that real mountain.

My first birth profoundly affected every fiber of my body- lots of it through hormones designed to help us achieve birth and then nurture the baby so our genetic material passes on.

Many of these same hormones attend to us while we nurse and raise the child. And these same hormones also allows us to create a long term relationship with spouse and friends.

We feel these hormones surge within us when we spy our child doing something cute, or when they snuggle close to our breast. We feel these hormones at work when our husband brings us a gift or does the dishes. These hormones keep us chemically addicted to the baby or to our spouse.

You can build this hormone connection up with others by serving them, caring for them, and by finding gratitude in what they do for you. That means that we can build this bond with just about anybody we choose. We can build it with our spouse and make our marriage stronger, we can build it with our kids (although that comes so naturally to most mothers)we can build with our co-workers, our neighbors or kids we are adopting. And pretty soon we'll find out that service = love.

A willingness to do without

A story that appeared a number of years ago in the Amish publication _Family Life_ told of a busload of tourisst who visited an Amish farmer. The group consisted of people from many religious denominations. One of them said, “We already know all about Jesus Christ, but what does it mean to be Amish?” The Amish fellow thought for a minute and then asked for a show of hands for how many in the tour group had televisions. Every hand went up. Then he asked how many thought that maybe having a television contributed to a lot of social and spiritual problems in society. Again, every hand went up. In light of this, he asked, how many would be willing to give up having television? This time, no hands went up. He went on to explain that this was the essence of being Amish: a willingness to do without something if that thing is not good for them spiritually.